Ryan B does Beauty And The Beast

Today's story straddles the line between horror comic and hero comic in a way that only a Batman book could. I've always thought that The Joker's maniacal personality was just perfect for a horror host. I mean, a crazed clown with horrifically comical weapons like acid squirting flowers and 1,000 volt joy buzzers who can spout puns as good as the GhouLunatics and the Creepy family combined? He was meant for such a job.

DC must have heard my swears because in 2009 they created a series of comics called Joker's Asylum in which old Mr. J would act as psychotic story teller for each issue. The fact that Batman's rogues gallery is filled with nothing but schizos, monsters, and malcontents meant that The Joker had an almost unlimited source for creepy characters to fill his tales, which range from crime stories, to horror stories, to demented love stories like the one we're looking at today. It features one of the bat's most feral foes, Killer Croc, and has the apt, if unoriginal title of...



Beauty And The Beast.


Deep in the bowels of Arkham Asylum, in the cell all the way at the end of the hall, The Joker let's out a long, yooo-hooo, to the person in the cell next to him. He then proceeds to welcome them and say good morning.

"So sneaky, our medical staff processing you in the middle of the night," he says.

 
He says he heard the staff discussing the inmate and how the story that they told was disturbing. So far there's been no response from his unseen neighbor, so he goes on. He says that it's probably too dark to tell, but the cell that is now being occupied is covered in blood stains. Joker says they're not his fault, but he does know how they got there.



"Waylon Jones... A.K.A. Killer Croc. Ring any bells? I thought it might. What a monster! But like all misunderstood cannibalistic reptile-men he possesses a gentle soul..."

He then jumps face first into the tale, stopping only to point out that he realizes the title is unoriginal, but doesn't care. Point goes to you, Joker.

So, Killer Croc sits chained to the wall of a padded cell while a man in a tie and slacks sits far across from him. The man's holding a file and introduces himself as Dr. Cross. Dr. Cross says that according to the file Croc's last doctor noticed "an unfortunate regression" in his human characteristics. He asks for Croc's thoughts on that, but gets nothing. He moves on to talking about Croc's time in juvie and later prison down in Florida. Nothing. He brings up how hard it must have been growing up with the condition Croc has and about him being raised by an alcoholic aunt after his father abandoned him. Still nothing. So he starts at the beginning, how Croc's mother died giving birth to him.


Croc responds to that.

There’s no danger, though, due to the steel chains that bind the creature.

Dr. Cross tells Croc that he can suppress his humanity all he wants, but that “those chains and your guilt are both going to bind you here forever.” At that moment a college pops his head in and says that he needs the doctor’s assistance. Cross steps out for a moment and Croc takes this opportunity to tick one of his fists in his mouth. When Cross comes back, he’s quite surprised to find Croc in need of a hand.

Or two.

Next thing you know Commissioner Gordon and the Batman are at the asylum surveying the carnage. Batman says that Croc belongs in a cage, not an asylum and Gordon agrees. Gordon then expresses doubt that Croc could survive his horrific wounds. Batman says that after escaping, Croc took to the sewers and then surfaced in “Orphan Alley” which sounds like a swell place. Blood pooled where he fell and then that’s it, no tracks or anything. As is he just vanished into thin air, or was picked up by someone, but “who would pick up a monster off the street?” Batman wonders. I dunno, Bats, who would pick up little boys at the circus? It takes all kinds.

We soon find out exactly who would pick up a monster off the streets when Killer Croc wakes up eight days later on a cot in a crappy little room with a guy who looks like Bill Lumberg standing nearby. The man introduces himself as Edgar Mason and tells Croc that he’s free to go if he wants, but cops all over the city are looking for him. He tells him that he and his wife bandaged up his bloody stumps, but when they saw that his hands were growing back, they took them off. Croc looks at his new hands to see this is so. Edgar then says that once he’s feeling up to it, maybe Croc would like to join he and his wife and together they could all rule Gotham’s criminal underworld. He takes Croc’s not killing him as a maybe.

The next day Croc wakes up to see a beautiful blonde woman bringing him food. She introduces herself as Juliette, Edgar’s wife and offers to help him eat on account of his hands being new and all.

The day after that, she comes in and says that Edgar found out Croc’s real name is Waylon Jones. This time he’s able to feed himself.

On the third day, she brings him some clothes and starts telling him about her and Edgar’s operation. She says that he runs guns for someone named Callahan, but really wants to run the town. All he needs is a big break. She asks if Croc will help them.

He will.

So Edgar shoots Callahan and tells Croc that now they need to make sure people know that they run things in Gotham. Sometime later Edgar and Juliette move into a nice new home and Juliette expresses her delight that Edgar is the boss now and they call the shots. All the while, Croc looks on as the silent enforcer. Juliette notices him, though, and tells him not to hide in the shadows. Edgar says he’s part of their family now and all three of them celebrate.

A few days later Juliette walks in on Edgar having a meeting with some underworld types. He tells her to go deal with their other guests, so he can conduct this little meeting in secret. When she leaves he tells the assemblage that he now runs Orphan Alley and they’ll report to him from now on. They don’t seem too pleased about this. Edgar notices and thinks they’re going to plot against him, so he tells Croc to “take them all out before they work up the guts to do something to stop us.”

Croc gladly obliges.

Later that night he walks into the Mason’s covered in blood and finds Juliette there drinking alone. She thinks at first it’s Edgar coming in, but then she sees it’s Croc. She asks if he’s okay, but then says of course he is, nothing can hurt him. She says Edgar is supposed to be back by now, but is probably off having secret meetings behind both their backs this time. Croc doesn’t say anything, so she goes on. She tells him there’s no use letting dinner go to waste. They can enjoy it together after he cleans up. She says that they don’t need Edgar for any of it.

The next night it’s Edgar waiting up for Juliette as she gets in late. She says she was at her mother’s, but Edgar doesn’t believe her. He wants Croc to be with her from now on as a sort of body guard, she objects, but when she gets out of the shower the next day Croc is there waiting for her. Over the next week she adjusts to having him as a babysitter and starts to confide in him about things. She says that she feels like he’s her closest thing to family now that her husband is away so much on business. Finally she’s able to talk him into letting her go out alone. When Edgar finds out, he’s furious, but then realizes what a bad idea it is to get mad at the giant crocodile towering over him, so instead he gives him an address and tells him to take care of anyone inside… anyone.

Croc goes to the address, which is a beat up old shack. Inside is Juliette and a man with a shot gun ready to blow Croc away. Juliette says this wasn’t the plan, but to shoot him anyway and keep shooting. He’s not human. Before anyone can do anything, however, Croc just walks away without even entering. Juliette tells the man they’ll stick to the original plan and that he needs to hit her.

When Croc get’s home, Juliette’s already there waiting for him with a black eye. She tells him that Edgar did it and that he was trying to set Croc up to be killed. Before she can finish, Croc storms off to Edgar’s office where he bursts in and kills him. Juliette’s impressed. She tells Croc that they need to get into Edgar’s safe now and he promptly rips the door right off it. At this point her “friend” from earlier comes in and shoots Croc with the shotgun. It’s nothing to Croc who throws the heavy door at the man, taking his head off. Then he turns on Juliette, who tries to talk him down by telling him that he’s not a monster…

Shortly after, Batman comes bursting into the house to find Croc kneeling over both Edgar and Juliette’s dead bodies and for the first time in the story, Croc speaks.

“They’re the monsters… not me… put me back…”

Back in Arkham Asylum where we began the story, The Joker is laughing his head off. Then he taunts his neighbor, whom he’s been telling this whole story to, by pointing out that after hearing this whole sordid tale he has absolutely nothing to say about it. Not even a giggle?

Oh Joker, you douche.

In many ways this story owes something to the old EC mags I think. At its core it’s a story about crime and love and corruption and betrayal that would be right at home in Crime SuspenStories. But throw in a big scary monster and plenty of gorey deaths and you’ve got your horror comic elements too. And that’s exactly what makes Batman stories like this so great, that you’re able to get both horror and noir elements into the same tale and have them blend seamlessly.

I give this one 7 out of 10 Werthams.