Ryan B does Jokes From The Crypt

Today's entry is going to be a little bit different. In an attempt to live up to my Comic Book Crud credo of not only reviewing stories from horror comics, but also "media related to horror comics" I thought it was finally time that I broke from the routine and did just that.

Back in 1992 HBO's Tales From The Crypt series was at the height of it's popularity, which of course led to a wave of merchandising cashing in on the brand name including, but not limited to, reprints of the original EC comic books from which the episodes were based. Kids of the nineties who only knew the live action Crypt-Keeper as a moldering old skeleton got their first glimpse of the original pungeon master as well as his cohorts, The Old Witch and The Vault-Keeper in the pages of these very books. No doubt taking advantage of this new found familiarity, children's book publisher, Random House, released a small paperback book of jokes around this time, told by the three GhouLunatics themselves. It was appropriately titled...

Jokes From The Crypt.


Since this book is mostly just a series of random jokes grouped into three sections, I figured the best thing to do here where I would normally do a plot recap, would be to just post some of my favorite ones. As I said, the book is divided up into three sections, each one belonging to a different host the way the comics did it, so I will also post the section's title so you'll know which creep is inflicting which jokes upon you.


*Warning: The jokes you are about to hear are written with children in mind and are also brought to you by three of the most pun-derhanded com-beat-ians in the business, so excessive eye rolling and queasiness may occur*


The book starts out with an introduction by all three GhouLunatics who basically make it known that they believe the audience finds them moldy and out of touch and this book is here to prove that they are actually very lively, funny freaks. It is signed by each host and oddly enough next to The Old Witch's name, "Fran", is in parentheses. As far as I know this is the first time anyone has attempted to give her a name.

Why Fran?

Who cares?

Anyway, the first section is called Wicked Witticisms Of The Misunderstood But Oh-So Debonair Vault-Keeper and includes such germs as...


What do you call a person who eats only human flesh?

A humanitarian.


Why did the cyclops give up teaching?

Because he only had one pupil.


What do you call a mortician's place of business?

A box office.


What happened to the girl who swallowed a spoon?

She didn't stir.


What did the missionaries give the cannibals?

Their first taste of Christianity.

Did you hear about the laborer who worked with hundreds of people under him?

He mowed the lawn in a cemetery.


Why did the vampire win an art scholarship?

Because of the way he drew blood.


How did the werewolf feel after eating the goose?

Down in the mouth.


Crypt-Keeper: "Have you ever seen the Catskill Mountains?"

Vault-Keeper: "No. But I've seen them kill birds and mice."


What is the hardest thing about learning to skydive?

The ground.

The second section is called The I-Can-Say-Anything-Because-I'm-Beautiful-And-Alluring Repartee Of The Old Witch and she dishes out such poison prose as...


What do you call a corpse that's been buried a long time?

Pete.


Why do vampires make cheap dinner dates?

Because they eat necks to nothing.


What do mummies do on vacation?

They unwind.


Why are demons so popular with ghouls?

Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.


Crypt-Keeper: "Fran, how did you lose your first husband?"

Old Witch: "Illness."

Crypt-Keeper: "What kind of illness?"

Old Witch: "I got sick of him!"


Old Witch: "Would you hold my hand, Crypty?"

Crypt-Keeper: "I'd love to."

Old Witch: "Here it is, then. I'll pick it up tomorrow afternoon."


How can you tell a hamster from a bowl of linguine?

The hamster won't slip off the fork.

What note do you hear when a coal mine collapses?

A flat miner.


The third and final section is titled Cosmic Cackle From The Rich And Famous But Still Deeply Spiritual And Politically Correct Crypt-Keeper and our favorite dead head has this to say...


Why can't skeletons string tennis rackets?

Because it takes guts.


What has four legs and flies?

A dead dog.


What did the grave robber say to the beautiful corpse?

"I dig you."

"Waiter, do you serve children?"

"Only when we're out of everything else."


Why was the corpse absent from school?

Because he was feeling rotten.


What has two legs but cannot walk?

Half a dog.

Ugh, that's enough. Let's stop now.

I got Jokes From The Crypt for one cent on Amazon.com and that's exactly what it's worth. It's short, the jokes are cornier than a podiatrist, and some of them just fall completely flat. Believe me, I spared you many of the real groaners. However, it is a fun little piece of cryptobelia to have if you can find a copy of it and one very positive thing I can say for it is it has good artwork. The front cover is by the great EC artist, Jack Davis, but the inner illustrations are by a man named Aristides Ruiz who does a wonderful job of rendering the old bone bags and their creepy pals in a similar way to Davis.

I'm not gonna rank this book on my usual grading scale, since it's not really a horror comic tale, so let's just say I "recommend it" if your looking for a cheap laugh and, if nothing else, the artwork is nifty.