I don't like The Vault-Keeper. I'll just flat out say it. I know that a lot of people find the GhouLunatics to be interchangeable and to some degree I guess that's true, but as far as I'm concerned The Crypt-Keeper and The Old Witch are much more distinct both in personality and appearance than The Vault-Keeper is. I pretty much just see him as a Crypt-Keeper knockoff. Same jokes, similar look, just less fleshed out and more androgynous. Anyway, I just wanted to get that off my chest and maybe offer it as some kind of explanation as to why it's taken me so long to get around to The Vault and why I featured the other two's stories before getting around to one of VK's.
Today's story is a bit similar to the one from last time, Sea of Graves, in that it is your classic "just can't get rid of a body" story. Also, it takes place mostly at sea. You may think there's some kind of theme all of the sudden around here, but trust me, there isn't, it's just a coincidence and I'm sure you'll see if you stick with me long enough that there are many, many, many tales in the pantheon of horror comic about corpses that just won't quit. So strap on some cement sneakers and row on out with me as we discover that...
The Dead Will Return.
The Vault-Keeper's hooded face looms in the night sky over a black ocean as he introduces the tale. Below, two people, a man and a woman, row a dead body out to sea. A lighthouse can be seen glowing in the far distance. From the pairs conversation we learn that the woman's name is Flo and the man's name is Bert. We can infer by the way they talk about Flo inheriting the dead man's money once his body is found, that the corpse is her husband. The two dump the body overboard once out far enough and then head back to shore, discussing how they'll tell the authorities that he simply went fishing and never returned. Once his body is found Flo will be free to marry Bert and she'll have a fortune of $16,000 for them to run away with.
As soon as they get back to shore, they head into the lighthouse and Bert asks Flo where her husband hid the money now that they're free to look for it. She says it must be around the lighthouse somewhere, but they decide to wait until morning to start the search since the nights activities have been so taxing. Many people don't know this, but dumping a body, especially at sea, can burn more calories than a two hour workout.
The next morning the killer couple turn the place upside down searching for the money, but find nothing. Flo is certain it's hidden in the lighthouse, though, so for the next two weeks they keep it up, but still find nothing. Eventually they conclude that it must be hidden outside like in the shed or something, so Flo heads down to the beach to check and instead of some lost loot, she instead comes across, Hank, her dead husband's body.
Bert rushes to see what Flo is screaming about and the two decide that the police would never believe such a coincidence as her husband's body washing up right next to his own lighthouse (never mind that that is technically what actually happened), so they decide they must put him back in the sea.
This is slowly turning into an episode of Frasier.
They load the two-weeks-rotten corpse into their car,drive it over to Mariner's Point, a cliff overlooking the ocean, and throw it off. For days afterwards the pair listen to the radio hoping to hear any news about a body washing ashore, but nothing. Finally the wait is too much and Flo suggests they go fishing to take their minds off of things. Bert goes down to the beach to get some clams for bait and wouldn't ya know it, there's old Hank again laying in the sand. He's even more gnarly now thanks to the sea creatures that have been nibbling on him.
Flo starts to point out how weird these "coincidences" are becoming, but Bert, in true idiot fashion, sees nothing supernatural at work here and comes up with a brilliant plan. He'll take the body miles away and instead of the water, he'll dump it on the beach as if it washed up there. So that's what he does. Again, days pass and there is no news about Hank's body. Bert is content to keep looking for the money in the meantime, but Flo is getting scared. She wants Bert to go down to Falmouth Beach and see if Hank is still there. To appease her he heads out in the middle of the night and leaves her behind in the empty lighthouse. While she waits, Flo starts to think back on what led her to this point. How Hank had come to work for her husband not long ago and she was so bored with her marriage that she got swept up in this whole plot of murder and money. Just then she sees water start to flow under the door.
She realizes it must be Hank back to get her and begins to run up the spiral stairs. She hears him come through the door and follow her up, so she runs up and up to the very top and turns out the light so he won't see her, but she hears him getting closer and closer in the blackness, then she screams.
Several minutes later Bert shows up and heads inside to see why the light is out. He sees the water leading up the stairs and figures Flo must have gone up there to fix the light (leaving a watery trail as she went?) As he heads upstairs like a cow gleefully wondering what that shiny slicing thing is as it heads into the slaughterhouse, Bert starts to wonder what Flo will say when he tells her that (surprise, surprise) hank's body was gone. He doesn't wonder too long though, because when he reaches the top he screams too.
Sometime later some G-men come to investigate why the lighthouse is mostly just house now and find the cadaverous couple dead in each other's arms and covered in sea weed. One of them looks out the window and sees Hank's body on the beach nearby and says there's one more stiff to investigate.
So where was that all important money, you ask? The Vault-Keeper wraps things up by explaining that it was in a money belt on Hank's body the whole time and the money is all wet and rotted by now. That's about the only bit of cleverness in this entire story and they saved it for last, I guess.
Everything about this story screams average. The art by Al Feldstein is average 50's fare. The story is average EC karmic retribution, but not done with enough twisted glee as many of their others. I know this came from the earliest days of the new trend, but still, in hindsight there are far better stories of this type you could read, especially from EC.
And for the record, I'm not hating on this tale just because it's introduced by The Vault-Keeper, and maybe the next time we visit the vault it'll be for a better yarn and I'll have more positive things to say.
I give this a 5 out of 10 Werthams.
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